I don’t like to leave things unfinished, no loose ends. But now I have this frayed blanket of partially read books, half-watched shows, unfinished video games, barely messed with apps, and board games still in shrink wrap. At one point these things were rare and hard won. As a child I created an impromptu garage sale to fund the purchase of the BattleTech board game, shutting the sale down the moment I could afford to buy. And then I played BattleTech for ages. Now everything is so easy to obtain, effortlessly plucked from the ether. But I feel like it takes a greater force of will to slow down and appreciate a single thing, knowing there are thousands more awaiting my attention. It is like touring the Louvre in a formula one race car.

I’ve decided I need to shift my perception of all this media, or at least to try. I’m trying to see it as another planetary ecosystem, something vast and ever present. In the same way that I do not need to play with every breed of dog on the planet, I do not need to play every game. If I see one I like, I will pet it and enjoy that moment. I’m really happy just knowing that all those things are out there and that sometimes my path will intersect with some of them.

While Eva is not my favorite anime, I believe it is the most important one. Its messages are manifold and continue to resonate. The series presents the concept of the Absolute Terror Field, or AT Field, as a protective barrier generated by the soul. It is one’s personal space to the umpteenth level. In an effort to protect itself, the soul has created individuality and even a physical shell to avoid contamination from otherness. As the name implies, it is generated by fear. On some level, the person, the individual, is always afraid of things that are not itself and must constantly assert itself from atoms to attitude.

I think this notion of fear should be dismantled and examined. When we feel anxiety over having a conversation with someone, whether or not someone likes our writing, if we’ll get the job, if we can love someone, if the plane is going to crash, if the cancer if going to kill us, if there is a Hell, if they will cancel Fringe, etc., what exactly do we think is going to happen? We can create a lot of compelling and complicated reasons to justify our feelings and actions. But aren’t they just different permutations of “Something that was a certain way will now be different”?

We could be very Psych 101 and minimize it to say that people are afraid of change and want everything to stay familiar. But I don’t really know any human who really does not want change. Even the most curmudgeonly people I know still want a choice of breakfast cereals and are interested in new episodes of their favorite show.

Maybe it is that we have created a certain set of acceptable operating parameters and preferences and said “This is me.” These choices represent the sliver of control we have over our experience and anything that might force an edit or reevaluation is kind of a big deal.

But why?

At the end of Evangelion, mankind’s AT field is dissolved and everyone splashed together into a sea of undifferentiated white protoplasm. Everyone became everyone else. This was one of the most disturbing scenes I’d ever witnessed and it filled me with dread. Suddenly I didn’t want to go outside as it occurred to me that the sky was so big I might explode from my attempt to take it all in. Or it might fall on me. No one taught me to label these feelings or what to do with them. No one taught me I needed to. It was my own decision. And some days I change my mind.

So…

A) Everything around you is not you. This screen, the floor, your clothes, the air around you, all those people. You are constantly shedding hair, skin and other bits, so the parts of your body you think of as you are suspect. Potential threats are everywhere and you would do well to remain very still and hopefully you will go unnoticed. Except the fear will remain, because that is yours, right? You decided you needed it. It will provide a constant and probably accurate report of just how little control you have over what is happening. And regardless of whether you move or not, you will die.

OR

B) Everything around you is you. You are constantly perceiving and experiencing everything, taking it all in in a way only you can. You are choosing, consciously and unconsciously, to participate in whatever all this is. Everything you do matters, from clipping your toe nails to saying “I do”, it all has a consequence. Maybe the thing you feel is excitement because you are part of something dynamic. But whatever the feeling is, you get to be the one to name it. The people you see doing things around you are part of you and you are part of them. It all matters.

Choose. Neither is correct, but you will choose one. You have already chosen. You will choose again.