When I go to a convention, especially one in the realm of geekiness, I usually find myself fending off an encroaching wave of depression and estrangement. I think it is most prevalent at conventions because I feel like, of all social groups, I should find resonance with this one. But I don’t. It doesn’t happen with any group, anywhere, ever. I have no people.

In the past I attributed this feeling to something flawed in me or something inherently misaligned in the interface between myself and social groups. But, at PAX, I realized what was actually happening. I looked at all the people hanging out with their friends, eating together, showing each other cool games, etc. I thought, “I don’t want to do this alone. This isn’t fun by myself.” And then I realized that I wasn’t just talking about PAX, I was talking about my life.

I’ve been wanting companionship for a long time now, but I didn’t realize what its lack was doing in my life. I naturally want to be loved and to love someone else. But I’ve been getting by without that. Except that I’m not really getting by. In every social interaction there is an unconscious expectation that whomever I’m speaking to will somehow fulfill my need for love. It could be my friends, someone I’m playing a board game with, a meetup group I go to, the waitress at the restaurant… And they fail to give me what I need. Because it is unfair to expect it and I didn’t even know that I was asking for anything. And so I have been constantly disappointed and estranged and puzzled about why I am so discontented with other people.

Having identified this does not make me feel any better. But it does give me hope that some day I will have fulfillment in my life and I won’t leave every table still feeling hungry.

So this is an apology to all of the wonderful women who just seem so right, who just make so much sense. I’m sorry. Just think of me as a visitor to your planet, bound by alien directives and customs. It will be easier to explain my behavior that way. I’m sorry. You did not stand a chance against the avatar, the one I am moving toward as the sun moves toward the sea. I don’t want you to save me.

We’re talking about relationships and online dating. I haven’t given Beth the backstory of the avatar, so the things I say apparently horrify her on some level. I haven’t encountered many people who are comfortable with the rhetoric of the quirkyalone. Listening to myself, I know it sounds like I have excluded the entire world save one person.

I’m pushing the shopping cart at Trader Joe’s and reality has gone wobbly for me. I start to lose focus on where I am and suddenly I am in several different stores at once. Beth is asking me something about the grocery list, which has suddenly become indecipherable, the scrawled prescription from a mad chef. I answer noncommittally as the aisles telescope and emotions tumble down the shelves.

We manage to collect the ingredients for guacamole and hummus, dips which Beth insists must never be purchased, always made by hand. Later she would demonstrate her Shaolin avacado cutting style. She has resolved to eat an avacado a day while in California. I also found the frozen chocolate dipped bananas I had been craving.

The ride back is just like the ride there, only in reverse. Which is to say, completely unfamiliar.

And then I waited for what I
wanted to know
And when I did not receive what
I felt was my due
I simply just did that which I could
I created it.

Now I know what this means.

Thank you.

1. The Fountain
2. Blade Runner
3. There Will Be Blood
4. Batman Begins
5. Ghostbusters
6. Barton Fink
7. Old Boy
8. Hancock
9. WALL-E
10. CQ

I will continue as though you are that one person.

Hello, (your name goes here). I am overjoyed to finally meet you. I have been searching for you for years. I’ve seen you flickering in the corner of my eye, in dreams, in smiles, always ephemeral and fleeting. But now, here you are. You are beautiful and extraordinary.

I want to know everything that happened to you up until this moment. I want you to tell me what you’ve figured out about life. All the mistakes and triumphs. I will tell you my story as well. This will all take some time, so I figure we can spread it out across many conversations over coffee, in the car, at dinner, in bed, on airplanes, in sofa forts, after movies, during arguments, and even during our silences.

We both came all this way. There will always be distances to cross, but I’m committed to cross them with you.

Let’s not date. Let’s not “be friends first and see where things go.” What if we talk about what we truly want out of a partner and then work to make that happen? Let’s have an adventure! Let us be extraordinary lovers and constant friends. Why not?

I won’t give you any disclaimers and I expect none in return. It is true, things happened to us in the past, threads that wove us into what we are now. I want to know you, but I never want to understand you. I never want to figure you out, if that is even possible. I want to create a relationship where we are constantly exploring who we are to each other.

I’ve been looking all over for you, but now I need to stay still in one place and wait for you.

Please don’t be too long.

Find me.

]]> http://www.andremonserrat.com/2008/05/20/strange-fire/feed/ 0 http://www.andremonserrat.com/2008/05/12/follow-me-dont-follow-me/ http://www.andremonserrat.com/2008/05/12/follow-me-dont-follow-me/#comments Tue, 13 May 2008 02:36:24 +0000 Drey http://www.andremonserrat.com/?p=682 I’m scattering white stones. Placed in a row they form a path.