I looked at the communities in my life and I really struggled to find something where I could do a big project. There were some obvious things that I was probably going to do anyway, but nothing that really jumped out at me and lit me up.

Then it hit me. Single mothers are really important to me as they have had a big impact in my life. I wanted to do something that would empower, recognize and perhaps even aid them. Then I thought about how much I love movies. So I decided that I would enlist 10 women filmmakers to contribute or create a short 5-20 minute film on a subject that empowers women. The idea would be to have a screening at the Alamo Drafthouse. So the project would end up empowering and recognizing the filmmakers and single mothers as well.

I need to see if there are any sort of national organizations that somehow benefit or provide aid for single mothers. And I need to start talking to filmmakers, women’s groups and the like.

And I need a good name for the project.

We were doing an exercise where we examined an aspect of our life where things just weren’t working out. We cast our memory back to early instances where we noticed that we felt like something was wrong and we had changed our behavior to compensate. My area had to do with how I behave when I feel that I have failed/disappointed/hurt a woman in some way. Somehow this has become the worst thing in the world and I feel horrible if I let a woman down.

At first, my earliest memory had to do with the time I decided to make my mom happy by taking out the garbage unasked. She had always wanted me to do more chores around the house, so I thought this would be a nice thing to do. As it turns out, for whatever reason, she had left the garden hose in the bottom of the garbage can and it got taken away when the garbage truck came. She scolded me, telling me “That was a perfectly good garden hose you threw out!” So I learned that, despite my good intentions, I was never good enough for a woman to approve of me and I carried that with me in life.

But then, an earlier memory opened up like a forgotten door. There are whole years of my childhood memories that are just blank and dark. This was a memory before that time.

I was however old I was when I was in kindergarten (I have a problem with tracking  time). I had been put in a small, dark shed next to one of the neighbor’s houses. I was sitting on a wooden chair, maybe tied to it. There was someone else in a chair next to me. A boy, I think. There were two older girls there, one of which was my neighbor. I remember being told to stay quiet as they peeked out the crack in the door. My neighbor’s face moved in towards mine, filling my vision and then everything went dark. I have no idea what happened. I just remember having a crush on her and thinking it was important to impress her and do what she wanted. From that point on, I was attracted to girls and women who had a facial resemblance to her. If they were older than me, that was even better. There is nothing wrong with this attraction. It simply is. But that experience was ground zero for my behavior towards all women in my life since then.

I had speculated for a long time about what may have generated certain relationship issues and challenges in my life. I say “challenges” to protect my family, but some of you know what I mean. This insight tied so many issues together, it was indeed a missing piece of the puzzle and I cannot express the kind of freedom I feel having faced it.

I never really said goodbye.

On this birthday I will be reborn.

I have ready answers for people who ask why I up and moved to Austin. They are of course true answers, but they are not the real answer. I shouldn’t need an answer at all. I am free and I am flowing. I moved because I wanted to and because I had already left. I moved because I loved someone so much that it eclipsed everything else and I couldn’t tell what love was anymore, like staring into the sun and seeing a sun everywhere I looked.

And I needed to remind myself about what I could do. This is what is possible when I don’t take “no” for an answer.

I wanted to see you walking backwards
And get the sensation of you coming home
I wanted to see you walking away from me
Without the sensation of you leaving me alone

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I can’t please myself

I wanted the ocean to cover over me
I wanna sink slowly without getting wet
Maybe someday I won’t be so lonely
And I’ll walk on water every chance I get

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I can’t please myself

So when are you coming home, sweet angel?
You leaving me alone? all alone?
Well if I’m drowning, darling, you’ll come down this way on your own

I wish I was traveling on a freeway
Beneath this graveyard western sky
I’m gonna set fire to this city
And out into the desert we’re gonna ride

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I can’t please myself

I can’t please myself
I can’t please nobody else

- Counting Crows

Like the Cylons, I have a plan.

And I am so sorry, my friends. I’m so sorry.

I must raze Caprica and follow the Eye of Jupiter.

So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this for good

“Sick Cycle Carousel”
- Lifehouse

As you can see, this is all Jodi’s fault.

Click on the image for the full view.

Thanks again, xkcd.