All posts tagged Jess

I Miss You

“Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head.”

I miss everyone tonight.
I miss my friends, even if I’ve just seen them.
I miss how some friends were a few weeks ago.
I miss girls I should never have kissed.
I miss girls I should have but now it’s too late.
I miss my ex-girlfriends.
I miss my lovers.
I miss Cathy.
I miss how my friends were in college.
I miss wine and cheese with Beth.
I miss Neal.
I miss my best friends, separated by distances physical and psychological.
I miss my mom.
I miss my sister and my neices.
I miss my grandmother.
I miss Kevmo and The Airliner.
I miss road trips.
I miss being in love.
I miss church.
I miss God.
I miss the little red haired girl.
I already miss Christopher Eccleston, you fucking heartbreaker.
I miss Buffy.
I miss Serenity.
I miss poetry that isn’t about fear.
I miss Michael Hutchence.
I miss Dumbledore, JK, you cruel woman.
I miss garage sales.
I miss my Apple II+.
I miss floppy disks.
I miss not needing money.
I miss inventing games in the back of the school bus.
I miss recess.
I miss feeling safe.
I miss not knowing.
I miss the way it used to be.
I miss you.

He sat in the car, unable to move, his will gone. …

He sat in the car, unable to move, his will gone. She drifted away from him on delirious winds. He checked out, went away. Don’t know how long he sat there. Shadows moving in the house. Had to go. Started the car and drove away. Wanted to just drive until the ocean washed up against the windows. Found himself in the apartment instead. Couldn’t sleep in the bed. Wasn’t his somehow. Curled up in the chair. Uncomfortable. Went to the bed anyway. Fitful and snarling. Someone else in the room. Dreamed of new gods searching for him, hiding behind jeweled doors.

Theme Song

Salome continues to haunt me from the day I heard it. For me, Salome isn’t a woman in particular, but the sentiment of lost love, a relationship disillusioned by reasons inexplicable and shifting.
While the original Old 97s version is good, I’ve come to prefer the cover by Ryan and his friends on “Passing For Normal.”

Salome, uncross your heart
I know what goes on inside it’s over before it starts
Well I’ll stay all night, I’ll wait right here
Full moon might work magic, girl but I won’t disappear.

And I’m tired of makin’ friends.
And I’m tired of makin’ time.
And I’m sick to death of love.
And I’m sick to death of tryin’.
And it’s easier for you
Yeah it’s easier for you.

And it’s easier for you
Yeah it’s easier for you.

Salome, untie my hands
Well I’ll find another lady
And you’ll wreck another man.
It’s over now, and so are we
My blood’s turned to dirt girl
You broke every part of me

And I’m tired of makin’ friends.
And I’m tired of makin’ time.
And I’m sick to death of love.
And I’m sick to death of tryin’.

And it’s easier for you.
Yeah it’s easier for you.

Torn

I fear nothing
Besides myself
Please don’t touch me
Love like an infant trying to stand up

Am I two souls
One hard, one whole
Am I real
I don’t want to feel anything
Anymore

I feel nothing
Besides this pain
Please don’t watch me
Love like an infant
Scared and crawling

- Toad the Wet Sprocket

Here’s a Thought

Prince Charming is a shoe salesman, with a whole truckload of glass slippers “just for you.”

In the Wind

Last night I attended a performance of “In the Wind” at the Tricklock theatre. The play was written by my best friend’s ex-boyfriend whom I don’t care for at all. I was concerned that the play might actually be good and I would have to rise to the occasion and admit this fact. But this proved to be not the case.

“In the Wind” follows the meagre existence of a family living in the bomb shelter-like remains of their home. The world has been overrun by an alien dictatorship which has transformed society into the generic Orwellian dystopia that we all apparently fear. We never see the aliens or learn why they have modelled human society after the bleak apocalypses of “Brave New World” and “1984.” But we hear them from time to time, or at least we hear some kind of monsters prowling about in the wind whipped wastes outside of the hovel.

The husband and wife, along with their daughter-in-law, struggle to eke out an existence. They subsist on rationed food, maintain a bicycle-powered generator to provide light, and generally cower in the paranoid shadow of the new regime. They are bouyed by idealistic memories of their son who escaped and is now presumably a leader in the resistance. When they hear word of an upcoming push by the resistance, they plan their escape.

Other than a scene of torture via electroshock, there isn’t much else to the story. Just before their planned escape, who should show up at their door but their long lost son, now transformed into a kind of gestapo enforcer. He kills his father and then is strangled himself by his mother. Then the play ends.

What is to be made of all this? Is the message here to trust no one, not even your family? If the world should fall under the sway of alien invaders, is it best just to surrender your humanity and fall into step? I had no sense of what I was meant to learn from the story, if anything. By the end of the play, the marginally-sympathetic characters were either dead or reduced to near helplessness.

Only the acting prowess of the Tricklock company and the audio/video engineering made this play watchable. Even so, Joe Pesce, the actor playing the father, seemed almost too spirit-crushed and tired, as though he felt the play tedious. The actor playing the son (I forget the names now) was the only one who seemed to truly slip into his role.

The final line of the play, delivered by the mother standing over her strangled son, was “Let’s go!” I thought it good advice, so I went.

The Girl Came Back

The girl came back.

The boy was standing under the tree. She looked around but did not see the gift.

“Where is the gift?” she asked.

“I am the gift,” said the boy. “The gift is me.”

The girl looked skeptical. “I think I understand the gift even less now.”

“That’s okay,” said the boy. “As you get to know me, you will get to know the gift as well. And look: my hands are empty now. We are free to play. You can hold my hand or hold me or just stand over there and look at me and I can do the same with you. I can bring you an apple or receive an apple from you. We can share apples now.

“In order to see where we are standing under the tree, we throw words at each other. The words stick and help us see each other, but we are not the words. Under the wrapping we are broken into a glittering treasure, a bomb, a snake, a light, water, a crushed spider, the stars, the wind, laughter, tears, bitterness, and a host of other things. They are all inside of us and inside of the gift.

“You do not have to decide whether or not to receive the gift. The gift will always exist. You just need to decide how we will play together. Sometimes you will play at your house and I will play at my house, but we can still play together. Sometimes you and I will play with other people, but this will always remain our tree and we can always meet here. This will be the place where we can come and tell each other about our adventures. It can also be where we both set out on an adventure together, if that is what we both want.”

The girl thought about this.

She’s Your Cocaine

I can’t stop thinking about her.  I just want to be holding her.  I want her wrapped around me, me inside her.  I fantasize about kissing those intoxicating lips and caressing her neck.

I just can’t shake the feeling that we were made for each other, but the countries commissioned to construct us didn’t communicate as well as they should.

Today Nate gave me a photo from that time in Las Vegas.  It was of him, me and Jess out on the balcony with the sun setting in the background.  When I had returned from the trip and found no pictures of Jess in my apartment, I wondered how important she could be to me.  If someone is important to you, you should have their picture somewhere.  Now I have this photo and I wonder how anyone can be so beautiful.  I hardly notice the sunset or the other people in the picture.

Learning to Cry

Memories and feelings of exactly how important Jess was to me increased on a daily basis.  I realized that I had been deeply in love with her and this had caused difficulties in our relationship, although I didn’t know why.  But I could guess. Continue reading →

Waking Up

I woke up for the first time in a Las Vegas hotel room, almost oblivious to who or what I was.  Some mental mechanism was in place to prevent me from completely wigging out when I started to really think about any particular memory.  I felt like I was accessing my brain over a really slow internet connection: I could see all the directories and could access them all, but it just took a while for the information to download.  Although I had all kinds of information in my head, none of it really meant anything to me, in an emotional sort of way.  There wasn’t that subtle tug of familiarity that I knew was supposed to accompany important things in one’s life. Continue reading →