Sigh. I haven’t been posting much as I haven’t had anything post worthy. I have lots of random thoughts and strange dreams I could chronicle, but I haven’t thought “Ah, I must blog about this.”

Lately I’ve been dealing with a malaise that descends when I have no creative project to set my mind to. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing right now. So I begin to ponder my accomplishments and evaluate what I have to show for myself. This leads to existential angst about what truly matters and why is it important to do anything at all. Makes it hard to motivate oneself to start creative projects.

And I’m lonely. The kind of loneliness that becomes more pronounced around other people. I’ve realized that my desire to be understood is actually a desire to be accepted. The core issues, the deep personal dilemmas, the things I felt needed to be understood in order to “get” me, are actually things you’d have to be me to understand. After exhausting my emotional energy over and over explaining my world view and creating only a deeper rift, I think I’d rather just be accepted for who I am.

And I’m losing hope. It’s like there’s this root network that permeates the foundation of my interactions, creating an amalgam of information that all speaks of hoplessness. So I will read a Twitter post about someone getting Starbuck’s and it resonates with a meme of despair I see unfolding. I’m doubting what I’ve thought true about people. More and more I am expecting failure and disappointment as the status quo. Giving people the benefit of the doubt seems more and more irrational.

Tags: Life

I am at peace with being single. No, really. It’s cool. I am appreciating all of the extra time I have to focus on my creative pursuits/drinking.

This announcement should not be construed as a cheap attempt to use reverse psychology on the Universe. The Universe is far too clever and would instantly pierce through such a flimsy façade. The Universe is also looking mighty fine in that dress tonight. You been working out?

Ahem.

Being single is awesome.

That is all.

Tags: Life

Historically, December is a difficult month for me, the darkest part of a yearly cycle. My wonderful friend Kristina, who practices Oriental medicine, decided to make a preemptive strike on this low season by prescribing some herbs. The Chinese name is Chai Hu Long Gu Mu Li Wan, but the more exciting, Potions class name for it is Bupleurum Dragonbone Oyster Shell. Already the herbs are taking the edge off.

I typically feel anxiety which rapidly snowballs into paranoia. Fantastical ideas about the people I know and their dark plots against me bloom in my mind. I realize how their supposed friendship was all just an elaborate ruse engineered to destroy me. No one actually cares about me and indeed they wish me harm. So I must be wary and watchful, striking first if I can. I peer out at the world from behind a veil, sensing that some unprecedented event is imminent. I fear that I will fall up into the sky or fly apart into my component molecules. The world fills with weird angles and indictments emanate from magazine ads and YouTube videos.

That’s how it usually goes. But in these past few years of doing actual work on these issues, they haven’t disappeared so much as become familiar monsters which I know how to handle. Having help in these times is an unexpected joy. I typically just go it alone, re-emerging on the other side. So I am very thankful for her.

Tags: Life, reft

I want to retreat into a cocoon and burst forth months hence as a better person for everyone in my life, including me. Lately it seems as if all my energy is devoted to countering all the tiny stresses which flow in an insidious undercurrent that doesn’t feel like stress. The net result is that I’m just okay, just getting by. Ambitions and drives fizzle easily. There is no Great Work welling up inside me, no stories, no art. Getting the laundry done has become a noteworthy event, a sign that the day did not die in vain. All other tasks or concepts overwhelm.

I wander out of my quarters, wondering where the crew has gone. I spin the steering wheel out of boredom. Direction doesn’t matter when there is no land in sight. All the maps have blown overboard anyway.

Tags: Life

As a few of you know, I went to Ohio a little while ago to see my sister Vanessa in the hospital. She is dying from complications from diabetes. While there is no date set, she has a few months left to live and I won’t ever see her again. The doctors have never seen a case of gastroparesis as bad as hers. Basically her digestive system has stopped working. She is hooked up to a bunch of tubes for nutrition, medication and excretion. She was in constant pain and, for whatever fucking reason, is on enough painkillers for 20 people (as estimated by the doctor in the new hospital). She is addicted to those narcotics now and it would take a month to wean her off. She could go through a month of agony to gain some mental coherence, or stay in her current relatively pain-free state, but not know what day it is.

She has three young daughters who live with my mother. Her plan is to take care of them as she has been for the past year or so. That is a whole other issue.

I don’t want my sister to die. But she has been sick for a long time and everything has been tried to save her. She doesn’t have a high quality of life right now. She’s been in bed for so long that she can no longer walk.

I’m doing okay. This is always in the back of my mind until something brings it to the forefront. I don’t really want this to be about me. I just wanted to update those of you who were following this and let the rest of my friends know the deal.

Tags: family, Life

A few days earlier, Beth had made an oblique reference that she knew where Cathy had ended up. I mentally filed that away, but didn’t bring it up again. Most of the time I have the context “Cathy who?” She doesn’t come up in the day to day. But there are ordinary objects, places, phrases and people which are actually disguised keys that unlock a hidden time period. In this group of friends, the Cathy-shaped gap must be quite prominent for them. I never really thought about it until now. She essentially fell off the face of the planet for seven years. For all of us. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Cathy, Landmark, Life, Los Angeles

Shhhhhhhh.

I am currently hiding from all people and responsibilities.

Tags: Life

My experiment of expanding my presence continues:

www.dreynet.com

Tags: Life

It has been a long day. I had at least three days today.

I had already planned to take the day off in order to navigate the bureaucratic morass that is the Texas Department of Transportation. In Texas, if you want to get a Driver’s License, you must own a car. That car must be registered in Texas. Before getting registered, the car must pass an inspection. Each step of this process is cash only and requires a bunch of identification and other paperwork.

I had accumulated all of the proper documents and withdrew a fat wad of cash and then headed out to face these trials. I was defeated almost immediately by the vehicle inspection. I knew that two of my oxygen sensors needed to be replaced and this had never blocked an inspection in Albuquerque. Not so in Texas. The repairs would cost hundreds of dollars.

This, coupled with the fact that the A/C needed repairs (for $2000), prompted my decision to forgo this tedious process and just buy a new car. New cars came with Texas registrations built in, so all I needed to do was get a driver’s license.

I came home, did some research, found out that I could not afford a hybrid or a new vehicle of any kind. I then hunted around on CarMax and found a few prospects. They all looked good on paper and were in my price range. So I went down there to have a look at the vehicles in person. I really like SUVs, so that was what I started looking at.

My car buying methods are fairly mystical and involve sitting in the driver’s seat to see if the car speaks to me. There is a lot of gut instinct as well. When I sat down in my new car, I knew immediately it was the right one. I looked at others after it, but I could tell we weren’t a match.

I had to say goodbye to my trusty Rodeo. It is one of the few material objects I have a bond with. We had been through so many adventures and hardships. But I had to let it go before I pushed it too far.

So I am now the proud owner of a PT Cruiser! It looks like a sleek, burgundy scout ship, at home dodging asteroids and delivering contraband to the rebel forces.

I feel like an era has ended and new one has just begun.

Tags: Life