Phone – Don’t call me. Except for a select few (who should already know who they are), people shouldn’t call me on the phone to have a conversation. It is the worst thing ever. All the visual cues and psychic nuances are gone and I have no idea what is happening. Are you upset? Is that an awkward silence or did we just get disconnected? Am I supposed to speak now? The phone is for brief exchanges lasting for less than 5 minutes (“Where did you put the halberd?” “How do I get past the sentry droid and into your apartment complex?”). Voice communication needs to happen face to face.

Email – This is for personal, long-form correspondence. It is intimate, replacing the hand-written letters from horse and buggy times. Or for sending information to people who aren’t on Facebook. Or for spam.

Facebook – This is where most of my everyday exchanges have migrated to. I have filtered out most of the quizzes and Mafia wars nonsense so that Facebook is actually a useful way to keep up with people and coordinate events.

Texting – This is an interesting one. For me, texting has become a hybrid, all-purpose channel. But since texts are usually exchanged while some other activity is taking place, it has become a sideband commentary track, the subtitles to my ongoing film.

Instant Messaging – I don’t use a dedicated IM client. I think IM should be a ubiquitous, transparent service that pops up when needed and then fades away the other 95% of the time. I will only “chat” with a few people. Otherwise the same concerns with phone conversations arise. Is the conversation over now? Is it okay if I stop chatting now because I have something else I need to do? What are you wearing?

Skype – Despite my dislike for chatting on the phone, I like talking on Skype. As long as there are more than two people, including me. Then it’s like a party line and other people can talk when I have nothing to say.

Google Wave – While it is still too early in the game to make a call, I really hope this replaces email and instant messaging. I like the branching, non-linear nature of waves. It is closer to way my own thought processes work regarding communication. Right now it is the Big Experiment and people are throwing lots of ideas into the blender. Mostly Wave seems like a collaborative tool, but I wouldn’t mind using it for day to day conversations.

This really seems like more than enough variety. I’d rather there just be maybe two channels, amalgams of all these methods that work however you need them to. Of course, some kind of telepathic thoughtspace would do the trick.

Until next time, this is Dr. Peter Venkman saying, “”.

But what actually happened was we were all infected by a virus which we happily helped spread. The virus did not infect our computers. That’s just the delivery mechanism. It infected our brains. It ate up thought cycles we used to use for other things. The virus is smart. It softens the blow of the payload with some anesthetic amusement, tickling the proper receptors so that we feel like we’ve been thinking about something even though we’ve gained zero nutritional content. Plus its got celebrity endorsement. You saw it on a cool person’s Twitter, right?

We’ve gained nothing while giving up quite a bit.

The meme is not communication. The meme is not the technocommune gathering around the fire to share something as a group. But it would like you to feel that way. We want to feel a part of something, so we swallow the new slang and grant it the same privileges as language. Sharing a link has the same emotional investment as sharing a stick of gum, but it has become the currency of our online peers, a hundred tiny Voight-Kampff tests to prove we are as cool as we think. Do you see what I did there?

The meme has to do its job quickly. If it moved any slower we could see its true form: a nascent cliche. Because what is it called when, instead of nurturing original thought, you  just grab the off the shelf pre-fab idea that everyone already understands? No danger of misunderstanding or estrangement if we trot out that faithful dog with the endearing limp that never fails to win the crowd.

Ironically, the people who create memes are not to blame. Why? Because they created a concept powerful enough to pursue its own self-preservation. They contributed while everyone else consumed.

While I don’t fear we’re slowly being turned into a group of homogeneous lemmings standing on tip toes, ready to lap up the first dewdrop of fresh smack from YouTube’s tit, there is still cause for concern. Be wary of the laziness you are introducing into your life. Consider the mental exercises you are avoiding because you think you’re getting a workout from your RSS feed. Ask yourself if what you’re looking at is inspiring or just another nail in the coffin of that project you keep putting off.

Are your words your words or just street cred? Do your concepts have backlinks to digg.com?

Are you participating or are you just doing it for the LOLz?